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I never really knew him. He was just my grandfather. My mother's father. Almost just another relative. Since yesterday, on more than one occasion, I've caught myself dreading the hassle of attending the wake. I should not feel that it's a mundane task. We were never close, but he is still my grandfather.
I'm ashamed that I've not really managed to shed a tear for him. But when I look at everyone else, I can't help but get affected by them. I feel sorry that they, especially my grandmother, have to bear this pain of loss. We're still haunted by two years ago. I still am, at least. If fate deals a random hand, we have no luck.
Sudden losses are not much different from the long drawn out 'process'. I suppose it was easier for him- a quick departure, but not so for us. We still suffer, whether it is the 'long process' or the sudden one. But the sudden one... is just shocking. I just saw him 3 days ago, at lunch. He was all normal, nothing wrong. Just like any other day. One heart attack (not confirmed, but probable) and he was gone. I remember I was at the busstop when I got the call. I couldn't really believe it. I comforted myself with the fact that he lived for around 80 years (edit: 77. I actually never knew before today...) That's probably the first thing anyone would say when someone old passes away. What difference does it really make actually- the age at death? Yes, at least, he wasn't "shortchanged", but it's still a loss.
I wonder how long it'll take for everything to revert to normalcy. Actually even after that last time... things have changed a lot. A lot. I still wonder what everything would've been like if that never happened two years ago. But we've earned to move on. We will again. But it won't be the same.
Bur lives will be different; these few days will probably slow to a drag, but the world pretty much just keeps on going. t doesn't stop. The loss of someone makes no real difference to the rest of the world. I'm not religious, so it's frightening to think that once you're dead, it's all over. I thought about it a lot the last time. What happens when one is dead. Theoretically one should have lost all consciousness. But I dunno... I still remember that last time I was hoping she could still hear us talking to her. My mind was playing tricks on me- I thought I could see her chest moving up and down, breathing. I was just desperate I guess. Refusing to accept the truth. Rejecting it all. She was gone. Now another one is gone. I wonder when it'll be my turn. I'm afraid of death, to be honest. Yes I know I'm really too young to be contemplating 'death'. But why not. There's no rule that if you're young you won't die. And I hope I don't. I mean, I hope I don't too early. And even then, I think I'd still be afraid to die. They say people with religions can accept death. But I dunno... non-religious people can too. When they have lived a fufiling life with "no regrets". I suppose in time to come, I will learn to accept when my time has come.
So today's the wake/funeral, and maybe tomorrow and the day after too. I know it's inappropriate for me to complain, but it's really bad timing. Block tests next week. I'm not even half-prepared I think. And now I'm probably gonna lose a lot of precious time. Sigh. Brought my econs notes over (at my grandma's house now). I'll just read through and try to memorise I guess. It’s my fault really. I should’ve started long ago. But I procrastinated. This loss of a few days is no excuse if I fail the blocks.
Doesn't life just suck. I'm not gonna give up though. Nothing's bringing me down.
hyperxi's life @
6/22/2006 11:27:00 am
